Indigo cones

I had set as my goal this year to write at least once a week, mainly so I could keep things updated and moving along. February has been a real struggle for me this year. I'm not sure if it was SAD, full on depression, the super cold winter, or some combination. I wasn't really feeling right with no energy not really wanting to get out of bed, not really wanting to move much after that and feeling like every day I was pushing myself really hard just for the basics. I know that I have a very supportive network of friends and family who would do so much for me to help. But honestly, I didn't know what help to ask for, so I just pushed on telling myself that if I still felt this bad in March, I'd go see someone. I'm gradually feeling better. Every day I feel a tiny bit more like myself, which is good.

We also had a huge chunk of time where for one reason or another (PD day, President's day wind chill day and wind chill delay) where the children were home and yet I had to work. This is so rare, the children did not even know how to deal with it--so the feeling like running through quicksand got ramped up 10 notches.

Because I really suspect that a huge part of this was the unseasonable cold we are having (really--the average high for today is 27F, the record low (set in 2003--how did I not remember that--I was hugely pregnant) was -4F and today is forecasted to be 14F Also side note, I mentioned this was the coldest February I could remember and someone tried to argue that LAST February was even colder. Whatever. We are 6 heating degree days higher than we were at this point last year so pbbbbt.), I decided to start knitting for spring. Specifically, I started knitting Indigo Cones in white Creative focus linen. Although I bought it at a much higher price before it was discontinued. The goal is to have this done by April so I can wear one of my springier dresses to my husband's annual work dinner. Because every year about a week before I think--MAN if I only had a shrug or something I could wear this sleeveless dress but it is WAY too cold to go without.

It may actually take that long to make it.

I started with a swatch, which is a good way to start with anything you'd like to actually fit. The gauge section says that the suggested needle size (which is where I usually start on my swatch) is a US 9 for the stockinet and pattern, and a US 6 for the rib. So, I did a big swatch and washed it and I'm really close on the stockinette and a little loose on the pattern but WAY off on the rib.

So I redid a smaller swatch on a US size 4 and it was STILLL too big. Then I swatched it on a US 3 and I am STILL too loose. However, I'm pretty close. Close enough that I feel like it will work. So, I have cast on, and started the first row (and then miscounted, ripped out and started again). Hopefully it can start to move along from here and I'll have more pictures to show off later.

meh

I'm just going to come out and say it--I'm still struggling here. For the last few weeks I feel as if I am treading water. There is no energy for anything but keeping my head above water.

It sounds melodramatic. I don't think it is anything really to worry about because I think this time of year (the late January through February) is hard on many people in the northern Hemisphere. It is dark, and cold, and here in Michigan, snowy. We don't have enough to compare to Boston (oh poor Boston), but we had enough last week to give us a snow day and to totally throw all my routines out of whack. I hurt my back shoveling, I didn't sleep well, and as a consequence I feel like I totally lost last week. I didn't run, I barely knit, and every day just feeding my family felt like a monumental effort.

My knitting project has been singularly unexciting. So many little pieces, so many little mistakes that get ripped, re-knit, ripped again, and re-knit. Add many spaces between the steps, as every mistake seems to make me skip any knitting for an evening. Also little mistakes on a simple TOY (which was to be a gift, but now may not even get finished) make me lose confidence to try a bigger project. And then I sit here with yarn for three sweaterish/shrugish projects and a brand new knitting magazine (with a sweater I adore!) and I feel like starting all of them and none of them at the same time.

My husband is wonderful. He says--just make yourself a simple sock with some fun yarn. But even socks make me feel meh. I have so many socks. Socks that need to be darned. I even gave up on TWO pairs. These:

and another pair I don't think I ever photographed! Heck that means they aren't done right? Anyway pictured pair has been darned many times, and keeps sprouting new holes in different places. If I fix the current holes, I will have replaced pretty much the entire sole. The other pair--I've blown out both heels. I could fix them, but realized I don't like them that much (see--no picture, how could I possibly have liked them). And having given up on two pairs means that I still have enough socks to wear a new pair every day and still not run out by laundry day. Maybe I'll do a sock census.

I do know that for me there is only one thing that pulls me out of these moods. Just keep plugging until spring gets here. Just run, and knit and take care of the family. Just let people take care of me. A saving grace for me is that in the middle of all the February-ness there are bright spots: valentine's day, butterfly volunteering, my birthday and my lovely daughters' birthday. So hopefully next time, I'll have pictures and maybe a brighter outlook.

In the meantime, if you too are feeling meh: hang on, it will get better.