I've sort of struggled with how to put into words how the last 5 months have been for me. But let me say this--I spent a good chunk of the summer not feeling like me.
Usually, I am good at rolling with the tempest that is a household with tween or teen girls. The moodiness, the insults, the criticism. I've learned I laugh weird, and I sound drunk when I get silly, and my teeth often have food in them. I've learned I have no clue what a squad is, or what goals they might have. I've been learning this for a while from my biggest critics--my daughters, and usually I can handle it. And by handle it, I mean keep it in check and not take it personally--but rather use it as social teaching (it is polite to softly tell someone that the poppyseed bagel they just ate is in their teeth--it is not ok to say, Mom you are so disgusting you have food in your teeth--for example). This summer though it all started to weigh very heavily on me. Suddenly I could do nothing right, knew nothing and basically was wrong always.
You know typical teen stuff
But it hit me, it hit me hard.
I cried a lot this summer.
And I fell out of doing the things I once loved for lack of energy, as I felt that every ounce of my energy was focused on being enough.
Because that's what I felt--I felt like I wasn't enough, in a lot of ways. And I didn't feel like I could ask for help. Because what could anyone say to me that my husband wasn't already saying? Why would I believe my friends if I couldn't believe my best/longest friend?
I'm not sure what happened that changed it, but here are some things that all happened about the same time:
I got an infection under my toenail and I started on an antibiotic (actually I ended up a month on different antibiotics, before having a surgical procedure that finally ended the infection.--But this all started to change after the first one)
We went on vacation and..
I had a total meltdown where I walked out on saying goodnight to my children and went downstairs to the family room and cried--and my husband went up and lectured the girls on how mean some of their comments had been
I'm not sure why, but after that vacation, I just felt more like me. Like I was back. Like I could weather the storms of teenagers. But it left me a little weak.
Much like skipping exercise (another thing that's been happening--see Toe infection surgery above) makes you feel weaker for a while, and makes it hard to build up stamina so this has made me struggle at things that used to come easier.
So why say all this now? Well, I guess it is so I can explain why daily life is keeping me so busy. Why I had my latest start on halloween costumes ever (I started SATURDAY--like as in OCT 15!!!), and why I don't have a ton of stuff to show you.
I'm better and I get stronger at the day to day stuff all the time, and I am certainly feeling more like my old self. I'm getting so the day to day stuff doesn't exhaust me, so hopefully it won't be another month before I check in again. But you come here for the knitting, and knitting happened!
I re-knit my bloom striped cowl. I felt like my original one was way too short (as it only wrapped around once and even then felt like a turtleneck. So I ripped it and knit it longer. I love it and even though we are back to 70 degree weather, I did manage to wear it twice!
Sneak peek at the costume I've started:
A co-worker of mine is having a baby and I'm knitting a hat, kimono sweater and maybe booties. I need to finish this by November 7!